Fuck Casual

tongue searches

seed – stuck

finds sharp teeth

tastes -still

tart-sweet

blackberry

that berry

an antidote

a communion

head back

eyes shut

exposed

ecstatic

fuck casual

I want all

the blackberries

Belt Buckle

 

 

it isn’t logical

when you speak up

slides of memory

don’t click into place

they say

you lie and you

aren’t prepared

after you have lived

with the memory

the fears

smell of his cologne

beer breathe

they say,

“the witness is not credible”

they say,

“no corroboration”

you still feel his

belt buckle against your knee

the way it cut in

even when you said,

no

Ankle

His right ankle

was crushed in the accident

nothing supports weight

the bone

tobacco voice smiles

“the nurse is here

I await your letter

postal service strikes”

years and distance fade

to fiery curries

African stars

dawn love-making

bones intact then

children unborn

ankles entwined

together

stronger

 

 

 

Stone Elephants

 

 

 

I pause at the house

with stone elephants

wonder, as I always do,

how they came to be here

place my hand on my chest

where I feel an unpleasant squeezing

(just don’t think of elephants)

tread the worn path

to my lawyer’s office where we

accuse each other of things via

sworn affidavits.

later, hide

behind dinner dishes,

bedtime stories, wine.

memory cold, stone.

 

 

Hallway

 

 

waxed

often

shiny under boots

that click

and sometimes sidle.

years walking this hall

carrying coffee,

lunch, papers

shoulders set for meetings

or collapsed in moments

when the mask is off

and I think of home

of failures

of loneliness

of regret –

the same hallway

I trudged twice

heavily pregnant

then nursing,

and divorcing,

walking with all my want

weighted with responsibility

felt in these

same feet, different boots,

same vinyl

same focus

on this floor,

this passageway,

on moving forward,

on staying,

on toes curled against leather

on blisters forming, healing,

on volition,

on inertia,

walking on,

walking on.

Intuition

 

 

The cerebral rules

gut absent, missing

core connection

dis-connected

use the core, they say,

and I think, how?

where?

there is that nagging voice

small and muffled

judging and preachy

right, mostly. right.

I tend to ignore her,

douse her in wine

just let me get on with this

– I don’t care what you think-

how has that gone?

it’s autumn

I’ve got no winter destination

I’ve got no peaches canned in the pantry

I’ve got no retirement plan.

only the roof leaking

and endless leaves to rake

and rodents scuttling

in my crumbs

listen.

I haven’t listened

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving and I am thanking, and giving, giving thanks for a bloody long weekend and a break from it all, a chance to breathe sweet, cool, autumn air and crisp, dying leaves that fall, fall.  It’s fall, after all, and I am thinking of thanking, thanking my family, my good parents for giving, giving, loving so deep and solid.  Thank you.  Thanksgiving, and oh – crikey – the gravy.  Lordy, what a feast.  And the loon will be calling on the lake – a call that asks – why, and when, and demands to be heard now, hear me now, yes, and a sky that only quits when the stars have gone to bed and there isn’t anything left to thank today.  Thanksgiving, giving thanks for this body, this life, this breath, belly rising and belly falling, and spine bending backwards in supplication for it all, and yes – there is anger to breathe through and pain, there is sadness – so much sadness.  We ride it, like the breathe, and we break it up with laughter, sometimes improper, but shit – damn – we do what we have to – we live, we fight, we struggle to accept our faults and to love our weaknesses, we know we will only truly love others when we succeed in this plight and still the days tick by, paycheque by paycheque, and the lady in the cafeteria says I get a free coffee tomorrow, and there is some hope for tomorrow and the next day, and in two days time a sweet long road trip with the kids and I singing along and daydreaming and moving away, beyond, toward, thankful.  Giving.  Giving thanks.